Today, I patched things up with Zoe.
Today, I told her how much I love her and how beautiful she is to me.
Today, my whole family and Zoe sat down and talked about me going to NIE after NS.
Today, Zoe and I took pictures together.
Today, I changed my relationship status to one with her.
Today, I thanked my parents for the very first time, and meant it too.
Today, I felt that my life was finally on the right track.
I am not happy with the way my life is at the moment.
Most of my problems are mom-centric. Okay, maybe all of my problems are mom-centric. Sometimes I wonder when she'll figure out that asking me to do anything will only result in me not doing anything at all.
Wait-
She just said that I could hate her for all I cared as long as I produced results. I almost thought she got the idea, but she just had to ruin it by saying she should have been stricter.
The problem doesn't lie in whether or not I hate my mum or not. I think I blame her for the terrible childhood that I've had and my grudgingly low self-esteem. I really don't think any child who grew up getting caned for not writing properly, and getting splashed water on for not hitting the right notes on the keyboard, can grow up well-adjusted.
You know, even though that happened when I was 5, I still remember it. It was a yellow water bottle, the kind where the cap can be used as a cup. I got locked inside the toilet after that without the lights on. It was close to midnight. I had gotten quite the thorough beating too.
My dad came in to rescue me.
I also remember my mum sitting on the bottom bed of my old double-decker. With a cane in her hand. I think I was doing my Chinese penmanship homework. And she would look at me do it. I hated Chinese homework. I hid it all over my grandma's house. I think the days when my mum came over were the worst.
My grandma was there to protect me.
When I was with Sheryl, I remember texting her late into the night. Or early in the morning. I would hide my phone anywhere. I think I put it in my underwear on a few occasions. I would use my phone in the dark and my mum would know. She always did. She had caught me so many times. My line was suspended, numbers were blocked... It was all so stupid.
My brother lent me his phone sometimes.
And now. I'm paying her 80 bucks out of my NS salary a month for a guitar that I hardly play and my protein shakes, which don't seem to be doing enough for me. I don't dare to tell her that I have no more money in my bank account because I could never tell my mum the truth. I never have enough money these days. I don't have money to buy new clothes, to bring Zoe out on proper dates, to do all the things that I've been planning to do since last year.
Zoe buys me food sometimes.
I wish I could rebel. But I can't. I owe to much to these people to just let it all go. I stage my own silent rebellion every night in front of my computer. By not practising Maths. She keeps telling me that she's paid 256 dollars for me to re-sit the paper. I should have just told her that I wasn't bloody interested in the first place.
I should have. But I couldn't. I comply with most things my mum asks me to do. And I have no idea why I do that. I guess it's because I'm afraid that she'll say something. She never has anything nice to say. Never. I really don't think that there's anything I can do to make her say something nice.
Or make her buy me clothes. I haven't gotten any clothes from her in a long, long time. I know my friend's mothers buy them clothes and other things. But I don't get any clothes. I always had the impression that parents would buy you clothes when you went for interviews or prize presentations because they wanted you to look your best. Or like on the first days of school when everyone would look prim and proper in their new stuff.
I never did get that kind of treatment.
Would you be happy with my life? I'm sure there are other things I enjoy that make people envious of me. But if you would like my life, I'd like to give you my childhood as well. So that you'll know what it's like to be sitting in my chair and typing these words.
It's not true. It's much better to never have something, than to cling on to the memory of it.
Seize the day,
Or die regretting the time you've lost,
It's empty and cold,
Without you here
Too many people to ache over.
Maybe I was asking for it right from the start, I don't know. Did I want it? Sometimes I ask myself that. Is that why I stopped caring after a while?
Maybe I was just unhappy with everything. The stagnation of it all. How I would never lead a life like those you see in every TV show airing on every channel. Parties, one night stands, flings, friends with benefits. Those wonderfully perfect lives led by wonderfully perfect people. Beautiful people.
I could never be beautiful. Not without you.
It's ironic. The only thing that ever gave me the confidence to be around people was you. You made me feel special and wanted and that allowed me to speak up. I could talk to girls, I could make fun of anything I wanted to when I was with you. Somehow, I don't think any of that can happen without you in my life.
Remember our song? It seemed so poignant that day. I set it on repeat and when to sleep with M. Shadows' voice in my ears. Every word I heard made more sense to me than it had before, even when I sang it to you. It was one of those moments.
You make me wonder why you gave me so many concessions, so many chances. And every answer I find makes me feel inadequate and small. Everything points back to my own failings.
What do I feel? What have I ever felt? What have I ever felt strongly enough about to incite more than just a few tears on nights when I just feel so damn emotionally unstable?
I've never really felt anything. Every emotion only goes beneath the skin, but doesn't get any further.
You cut me a bit deeper that day, and maybe that's why I don't want to lose you.