15

Seize the day,
Or die regretting the time you've lost,
It's empty and cold,
Without you here
Too many people to ache over.


Maybe I was asking for it right from the start, I don't know. Did I want it? Sometimes I ask myself that. Is that why I stopped caring after a while?

Maybe I was just unhappy with everything. The stagnation of it all. How I would never lead a life like those you see in every TV show airing on every channel. Parties, one night stands, flings, friends with benefits. Those wonderfully perfect lives led by wonderfully perfect people. Beautiful people.

I could never be beautiful. Not without you.

It's ironic. The only thing that ever gave me the confidence to be around people was you. You made me feel special and wanted and that allowed me to speak up. I could talk to girls, I could make fun of anything I wanted to when I was with you. Somehow, I don't think any of that can happen without you in my life.

Remember our song? It seemed so poignant that day. I set it on repeat and when to sleep with M. Shadows' voice in my ears. Every word I heard made more sense to me than it had before, even when I sang it to you. It was one of those moments.

You make me wonder why you gave me so many concessions, so many chances. And every answer I find makes me feel inadequate and small. Everything points back to my own failings.

What do I feel? What have I ever felt? What have I ever felt strongly enough about to incite more than just a few tears on nights when I just feel so damn emotionally unstable?

I've never really felt anything. Every emotion only goes beneath the skin, but doesn't get any further.

You cut me a bit deeper that day, and maybe that's why I don't want to lose you.